It Takes a Village

We’ve all heard it numerous times, “It Takes a Village”.  I bet there are more ways than you realize that you are part of the village of raising kids around you. We moved to our current neighborhood 71/2 years ago when our kids were in 6th, 8th and 9th grades.  Our street has kids of all ages, some older, some younger.  As our kids grew into babysitting ages they became popular among the parents of the younger kids.  Gabe watched our neighbor’s son all summer between 8th and 9th grade, he was 7 years old and Gabe 14 yrs.  They would take fun adventures; biking, hiking, jumping on our trampoline. Some of the best times were being dropped off at the climbing gym or the local bike track for a few hours.  It was fun for everyone and such a great learning experience for Gabe. After that summer, Dominic and Allie started babysitting as well.  Once, our kids were in the kitchen discussing their schedules.  There were a couple upcoming babysitting jobs floating around and all 3 babysat for the same families.  Due to various conflicts; homework, social events the babysitting jobs needed some schedule changes.  So they were discussing who could cover what jobs.  As I mentioned earlier they became popular with the parents because usually one of them could babysit.  

All of us moms were in the background talking about our jobs and who would be the back up as needed.  The kids would communicate, schedule, negotiate pay on their own, but us moms knew we ultimately were around if needed.  I hired the boy next door to watch our dogs when we were out of town...well really his mother and he, but all were willing and he was learning a lot about responsibility, scheduling and money.  At first I felt bad about hiring him when I knew a lot fell on his mom.  She kept telling me it was good, don’t worry about it.  As my kids grew and were hired, I was the one saying yes, I’ll be around just in case something happens and yes, I want to do this, because these steps toward independence are a great learning opportunity for my kids.

Once, I ran into a mom that hired Gabe to drive her daughter to an after school activity about 25 minutes away, two times a week.  She told me Gabe was going to go far in life…”oookay?... why do you think that?” I said.  She told me he negotiated his way to .55 cents a mile for gas, plus his hourly wage for babysitting.  Her husband's gas reimbursement was less than that, GO GABE!  

Dominic was babysitting another boy down the street and one night frantically called me, “MOM, I made him laugh so hard he peed his pants in the middle of the kitchen, what do I do?”  With a stifled laugh, I answered, “Help him change into clean clothes, get him to shower before, put the pants in the laundry and start the wash, also, clean the kitchen when he goes to bed.” What a great learning moment and a funny story for our next dinner. I always told my kids to leave the kitchen and living room cleaner than you found it and you will get called back, and maybe even a tip.  Again, great learning moments!

Allie has been babysitting a girl down the street for years.  Story is now 9, going on 21 :) this girl is a hoot and so fun to have around.  She’s been in and out of our house over the years and has become so comfortable with us, she comes and sits on our porch and chats when she has breaks from online school.  The popsicle might have helped the lure to our front porch, nonetheless, we’ve gotten to know her well over the years.  Recently, her mother texted a few of us neighbors and said she was going to be out of the house for an hour and it was Story’s first time alone, is anyone around, just in case.  A few of us said yes, and Story had her porch to porch route all figured out while she was “on her own”.  

Story came through for me recently.  We were going on a road trip and I needed someone to check the mail.  Mom and Story agreed to check the mail for me, but it was Story’s job and responsibility.  I left a box on the front porch with a medal saying Best Mail Collector Ever!  Apparently, she wore that medal to school the next day.

For the last year, during COVID, two of our college kids have decided to stay home and attend school online. As you can imagine, the house has gotten smaller over the last year and our kids have been pinning for some semblance of independence.  A couple months ago they came up with the brilliant idea to rent office space in order to have a place to go to get their school work done (and some space).  After some research and realizing it’s not cheap to rent space, they got more creative.  Allie reached out to Story’s mom and asked if they could rent their “barn” (over the garage space) since they can’t rent it because of COVID.  They went back and forth and made a deal for their own space to get away.  All on their own, I had nothing to do with this one.  They grew into these people that can figure out how to get “office space” from one of the people in our village.  

What is your village like?  Please share any stories you have about your village.

Gabe is GREEN

Siblings are so much fun, especially when they are yours. Siblings are fun AND challenging when they are your children. You love watching them interact, you love watching their relationships grow and you hope they stay life long friends. AND you are the judge, mediator, and referee over the years. I remember when our three children were little ones, about 5, 4 and 2. The fights about EVERYTHING were endless. I’m sitting there today...I’m finished brushing my teeth first...I WANT the purple cup...he touched my crayon...I mean ENDLESS!  Finally, after months of negotiating and mediating with them, I said, “Gabe is green, Dominic blue and Allie pink, ALWAYS!” I had to pick “Gabe is Green” because it was the only way to remember who was what color. The beginning of this I assigned colors and then couldn’t remember who had what color, imagine the fighting then! I, the mediator, had no leg to stand on because I couldn’t remember who was what color...ugh! Then I brilliantly (if I do say so myself) came up with Gabe is Green, Domo blue and Allie pink. As they settled into this new rule I realized this could spill over into many aspects of parenting that would alleviate a lot of the fighting.  

Thus the military operation began. Assigned seats at the table, a set bedtime, bath before dinner, dinner with jammies on, 3 books at bedtime. I even tried Monday is fish day, Tuesday pasta, Wednesday mac and cheese (hump day), etc. Over time I realized my job as a mediator was not as full, they settled into the different “rules”, accepted them and there was a lot less negotiating. After reflecting on all these rules, I realized we all want rules and leadership. Who wants to be making and fighting for their place in the world and the blue sippy cups everyday? I make enough decisions each day and have enough to negotiate in running a house, I mean how many hours have you spent on the phone with your cell and internet service?  

As the kids grew, new rules had to be put in place. Who remembers the endless times yelling, “shotgun” as you were both running to the car to get in the passenger's seat before your brother or sister? I had a year and a half to figure out how I was going to deal with “shotgun”. When Gabe, my second child, turned 12 and could sit in the front, he got shotgun, everyday for a month. Then he had shotgun on odd days and Dominic on even days. They quickly learned to pay attention to the day of the week, bonus. They both just played by the rules on this one. As they were running to the car they now looked at a calendar to figure out the date. Two years later, Allie turned 12 and could sit in the front seat...what to do, what to do...now there are three to deal with.  SO new rule; MW, Dominic, T/TH, Gabe, F/Sat Allie and I suggested, who had the cleanest room got Sundays!...so fun, right?! Well, let’s just say you win some you lose some, I heard “SHOTGUN” as they ran and pushed their way to the car on Sundays, at least it was only one day.  

One day as I was picking the kids up from school, MS, I saw two kids run to the car and yelling “shotgun” and “dad it's my turn and he’s in the front” came spewing out of the car window. I said, “hang on guys, I’ll be right back”  I got, “no no no mom, don’t go over there!”  But I of course ignored that and chuckled as they sunk down horrified in their seats. I said to the dad, “want the best gift ever?” “YES PLEASE!” he said.  I said, “Assign days of the week or dates to the passenger seat.” He looked at me and said “OK, I’ll give it a try.”  I saw him a week later, he was the one coming to my car this time.  “I owe you big time, best advice I ever got, our drives are so much more pleasant, thank you.”

Funny enough, as the kids grew, Gabe’s Green stuck, he always said, Gabe’s Green I want a green shirt, coat, etc.  Last year, as a sophomore in college, I was in a store getting some clothes and sent him a picture of a green shirt.  He called and said, “mom I’m trying to branch out and get something other than green.”  Guess they all grow up at some point. :-)  Want more ideas on how to deal with negotiations?  Write and we can talk.

Staying Connected During the Pandemic

Here we are in the middle of a pandemic trying to keep ourselves, our children (of all ages) and our extended families, sane, healthy and even educated. It’s a lot! We’ve all read the articles about the need to exercise, eat well, meditate as well as ideas about how to keep our kids learning, educated, healthy, etc. 

What about collaborating with other parents of the same aged children? How are we all doing it when we used to be able to chat at the playground while our young kids played or in the parking lot after dropping off our kids at school, or over a glass of wine during a happy hour?...queue the sigh...ah the good old days.  

It’s SO IMPORTANT to keep the lines of communication open with other parents during this time. I can remember countless times over the last 23 years of parenting I’ve gotten an idea from another parent about all things from teething, to potty training, to what creative lunches to make, to homework help, to dealing with letting go of our HS children, to the letting go of our college kids. 

I’ll never forget when my oldest was graduating from HS and I was a mess of mixed emotions from pride to excitement to fear to sadness about him heading off to college. I had just finished a yoga class and was in the locker room.  The woman next to me was quietly crying. I asked, “Are you OK?”  She said, “Yes, my daughter and her fiancé, who I love, are about to get married and purchase their first house. I thought her going off to college was hard, but now our house is no longer going to be her home. She is about to build her own home and family.” Wow, I thought to myself, sending a kid off to college, ain’t that bad, there is more to come, enjoy these moments of his home still being our home. Without even knowing it, she helped me with perspective during a hard time.  

Parenting is all about letting go over the years and getting the support and perspective for yourself (and from others) along the way. How are you getting the support and help along the way, collaborating with parents of the same aged children or a parent who has already parented your aged child?

- Tegan